I am who I am, and I know who I am.

It is hard to explain to other people, but I am in a quandary. Maybe not in everyone else’s eye, but only within myself. So much of a dilemma, that I sometimes felt that it is best to stay in a status quo. But again, status quo doesn’t stay the same all the time. With time, changes will definitely occur. With time, those who doesn’t feel comfortable in status quo, will demand changes. And these demands are what will be required for changes, as there will be dire consequences if I don’t submit to the demands of others. Thus, it is best not to stay in status quo. There must be changes.

There must be changes within myself.

But first, let’s talk about the reason why I should be in a status quo. It is hard to do it. No, it is actually very painful. To write, is to experience an agonizing process. Physically, my body is deteriorating. The back felt tense, and the whole body experiences flushes. It’s fight or flight. Life events flashes within myself. Mentally, I began to see it all, about all the things that have happened, and about all the accomplishment that ensued. As usual, as what I have in my mind for a long time, I began to wonder to myself, “How did I lost it?” A note to myself, do not stay in status quo.

How did I lost it? The truth is, I have no idea.

My guess would be due to the “the break” but I am not fully certain about it. To think it more, it was just the catalyst. “The break” was not the reason, as I have this situation way back before it happened. So, let it be. “The break” should be by itself, never to be seen again.

What is the next guess? To think more carefully, in tandem with some knowledge that I’ve acquired, I now have realize it. I just broke down. My mind and my body just couldn’t take it. Back then, it was a tremendous pressure on myself to perform well. And I was able to cope.

Back then, it was nothing but writing. You wake up, have breakfast, and head to uni. Over there, you sit, and you began to write. From a word, they became a sentence. From sentences, they became paragraph. And paragraphs, turn to pages. Maybe not. If it doesn’t happen, I go home, have dinner, and think. I used to have plenty of sleepless nights. Insomnia was a constant word. And the next morning, I go back to uni, to begin on my words. Nothink else happened. The mind was constantly in high gear, although the accelerator isn’t in the push. It was a constant dilemma. To slow down, but not to slow down. Sometimes, somehow, I broke down.

The time is now to heal. Thanks to my love, for she have endured. Thanks to my other half, for she who have observed. Thanks to my “enapowr”, for she is the real power in myself. Thanks to my two lovely extensions, for they are the batteries that charges my life. Thanks to the pair of my original self, for their trust and understanding, and not overbearing. Thanks to umi, as without her, I am nobody.

I want to change, and I will change. This is the time for me to change, and this is the moment for the change is now.